Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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