Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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