Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
