Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
