he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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