He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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