i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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