tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
