The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
