Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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