I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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