Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
