the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
