Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
