she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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