Four minutes until I can fart!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
