Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
