Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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