im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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