We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
