she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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