i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
