its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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