Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
