Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize