YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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