Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize