4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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