I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
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