I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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