I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
