shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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