sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
