So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
