I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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