Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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