your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
