Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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