I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
