My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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