my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
