new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
it's like iHOP with fire
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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