Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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