Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
