Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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