Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
