Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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