I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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