I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
