Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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