positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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