I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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