that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize