I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
