I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I did not marry a roomba.
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