You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
