drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
