so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
